When you struggle with infertility/loss the holidays are the worst. The holiday season is really a time for children, and for those who struggle to build their family, it is a constant reminder of what they can’t seem to have.
Last Thanksgiving I had just suffered my first miscarriage, after having struggled for over a year to get pregnant. My heart was broken and I was bitter. I wanted the day to be a day of celebration; a day we truly felt blessed for a baby we would soon meet. But I did not feel thankful by any means. I was full of anger and sadness after having lost something we wanted so badly.
Yes, I knew my husband and I were blessed in many other ways…just not in the way we had dedicated SO much to and desperately yearned for. We had finally come so close and it was gone in a split second.
We went hiking last Thanksgiving. As I made my way along the winding trail and tears ran down my face, I couldn’t help but think how different this holiday was for so many I knew. Most of our friends already had young families or were expecting. I thought about how incredible it must feel to have that sort of excitement on Thanksgiving and during the holiday season. I realized none of them knew the emotions I was trying to cope with on what should have been a festive day, nor would they ever have to experience that kind of heartache and pain (fortunately).
Today, at 15 weeks, 4 days, I am beyond grateful and feeling utterly blessed for the wee little gift growing inside me. I have never felt so THANKFUL for anything in my 31 years! Every moment of this pregnancy is an exciting blessing – the burping, the puking, the food aversions, the nausea, my amazing little growing bump, and the occasional sound of our baby’s heartbeat. We truly know how blessed we are this holiday season.
mission: mini vogt 