Much like life, trying to conceive (TTC) is filled with bouts of anticipation – good and bad.
The #1 Law of TTC & Infertility: Anticipate that EVERY woman around you will wind up pregnant while you are trying.
I used to think it was the universe constantly “testing” me. Just when I would start to be OK with where we were at, that feisty universe would step in, tossing another new pregnancy in my face. It was like, Ha! Take that, little lady! Let’s see how you cope now. I also used to think that maybe, just maybe, I had something to do with it. I couldn’t help it; at night when my mind would start to settle, just as I found myself on the brink of sleep, I was suddenly picturing some other woman in my life announcing she was pregnant, or with a new baby bump. I tried to stop it. I’d quickly attempt to turn the tables and picture myself pregnant. I’d repeat my mantra over and over again in my head: “I will get pregnant give birth to a healthy baby in fill in year.” (I found after my first two pregnancies, one must be very specific and carefully state the desired outcome when pleading with the universe/a higher power… Asking to be pregnant simply wasn’t enough anymore.)
It happened on more than one occasion where if I dreamt it, she announced! At one point I told my therapist. “So, I am going to sound crazy, but, it’s like I have some sort of control over this in my mind…” She was quick to point out that it is simply my age. Nothing more. Everyone in our age group is also ready to start a family. Well, I guess. (But that doesn’t explain those younger couples and the unplanned pregnancies.) However, she assured me it has nothing to do with my thoughts. SO… she’s saying I can’t use the power of my mind to conjure up pregnancies… Damn, because, I am as sure as shit, that there would be a HOT market for that!
Then a few weeks later I had a dream. I called my mom to tell her about it. “Mom, I had another dream, and you will never guess who was pregnant this time?!” I could hear the concern in her voice, “Oh no, who?” I chuckled a little, “It was you!” My 62-year-old, uterus-less, ovary-less mother had announced she was expecting in my dreams. It sounded just like her too. I had protested, “But you don’t even have the parts!” As she patted her tummy, she said, “Honey, I have enough.” It was hilarious! And with that, the other dreams seemed to subside for a while.
I believe it was in an act of crazed anticipation. These thoughts and dreams where produced by my subconscious, as a means to try to protect myself from the possible realities I may have to face. For those of you who are just getting acquainted with the wild world of infertility (IF), may I remind you that my dread for other pregnancies does not equate to a lack of happiness for the women in my life who are or have been pregnant. It is not that I feel they don’t deserve it (in most cases). Nor is it that my husband and I feel as though we need to “keep up” with all of the couples around us. It is simply something that I/we want so badly; something so innate that it should just happen! I feel a ping of pain in my heart with every new announcement. The pain is also accompanied by a bit of jealousy for the pregnancy she obtained with such ease. Seeing other pregnancies progress reminds me of something I desperately want. I often find myself asking, “When will it be my turn?”
With this post I want to give a shout out to my Resolve girls (my local group of women overcoming infertility)! Each of you inspires me; you have helped me to become stronger and feel more empowered as we travel through this journey together. (And just so you know, I am still picturing each of you pregnant, every single day… just in case my little mind games and positive thinking really do work!)
mission: mini vogt 